Good Enough: How to let go of parental perfectionism

We’ve learned a lot so far about why understanding our own emotions is so important and we’ve begun to talk about using self-care and self-compassion to create the space we need to regulate ourselves. But it’s hard sometimes to feel good about where you are. There are all these expectations on us as parents. This time around, we’re going to take apart the myth of the perfect parent. We’ll figure out how we can forget about those impossible standards and feel like, “You know what?, I’m good enough.”

Amy Brown: My name is Amy Brown and I am mom to six. I have three bio kids and three adopted kids. And my adopted kids are two domestic and one international. 

Kendra Wilde: I explored these ideas of feeling good enough with my friend, Amy. And as you can hear, she has a really complicated situation at home. And she’s reflected a lot on this feeling of being insufficient as a parent.

Amy Brown: The international adopted child came from Bulgaria and he was in an orphanage for 10 years. So. He has attachment issues and something called arthrogryposis, which is kind of looks like polio. It causes them to have issues with mobility and joints and that kind of thing. And then my, one of my children has fetal alcohol syndrome and reactive attachment disorder. So it’s a very big and busy family.

Kendra: Some of her biggest challenges began after she had her three biological kids and then made her first adoption. 

Amy Brown: My adopted child was just really different. She was not able to bond to us. She did not like to be held. One time when she was in the hospital and the nurse said, tell me how, how she likes to held. Pick her up, hold her mom, you know, how she likes to be held. And I. I stood there like, oh my gosh, I don’t know how she likes to be held. And at first I thought, what is wrong with me? I must be, what am I missing? I must be a terrible mother. I’ve not held her. Which was not true. Bonding to the mother, and especially sometimes it’s called the “nurturing caregiver” is the person that they don’t bond to, or they fight against. And as she got older, her behavior just kept escalating. No social inhibitions with strangers. She was lying and stealing and very erratic behavior. And I just kept thinking, okay, there’s a system, there’s a system. I can figure this out. It’s consequences, or it’s more attention, or it’s… I did not have the tools at all to handle what she was walking through.

Kendra: And that was a cue for all of those secret feelings that we’ve already talked about. 

Amy Brown: So I just kept trying harder and feeling guiltier. I think that also caused me to isolate myself because mm-hmm  invisible disabilities and behavioral issues get a lot of judgment. And one of my sons has a physical disability and attachment disorder. He gets all kinds of grace because you can tell he has a disability. She didn’t get a lot of grace. There was a lot of calls to, to home from school, wondering what we were doing wrong. Some people, I guess when they’re in shame, we’ll fight. Some people will hide. I’m kind of a hider. I’m like, okay, if I’m gonna be judged, I’m just gonna step back. Which really was a disservice to me and to her. 

Kendra: Eventually Amy had kind of an “aha moment” about the feedback she was getting from school or other situations where her children struggled. The feedback didn’t change, but she reframed it in her mind. 

Amy Brown: A few years ago, one of my kids was at a camp and he acted out and I got pulled aside. Can we talk to you for a minute? Which has happened so many times, you’d think I would get, like, I have gotten a little bit more used to it. Um, I remember like being really embarrassed and mad at myself and kind of mad at my kid. Like, can’t you, you know, unfortunately I was kind of mad at him and then I thought, wait a minute. Why am I giving them front row seats? I’m gonna use whatever they tell me as information. I’m not gonna just immediately transfer it into my head. Oh, they’re judging me. And they think I’m a terrible mom. I’m just gonna use it as information. Just like if your kid had an allergy and you knew they couldn’t have gluten. And you saw the rash, you go, okay, I know they can’t have gluten. I decided not to give them so much head space. I tried my best to use those kinds of situations and not like, take it personally and go, okay, now I know he can’t be in this situation. Or if he’s in this situation, here’s what he needs. 

Kendra: In this way by reframing, she was able to stop blaming herself and start realizing as a parent, she was good enough.

This is A Little Easier. And I’m Kendra Wilde. This time, we’re all about this idea of good enough. Understanding that you’re not doing it wrong. It’s just that hard sometimes. When family life is messy, woften believe that it’s our fault, that we did something wrong. But parenting is challenging. Even in the best of times. The systems we deal with –  the medical system, the school system – they all have faults that can sometimes make it harder. We can’t change those systems by ourselves, but we can go easier on ourselves, and stop listening to that critical voice in our head. 

Amy Brown: It’s just interesting, the voices in my head that I kept telling myself nobody’s gonna get it. I’m sure everyone thinks I’m a bad mom. I don’t know how I got so deep into that hole, but I did. And I, I think the thing that helped me get out of it was understanding the diagnosis a little bit better and, um, reaching out to people. And I will say that even today, um, my kids are 18 and 16. When I hear about a kid that did great, like had the same stuff my daughter had and all of a sudden, she’s great.

I have this moment of, oh, what did I do wrong? I must have done something wrong. And I have to go, Nope, you did the best you could with what you had. And continue to advocate for your child, but it kinda is what it is right now. Um, 

Kendra: That’s such a big step. I think that’s such a hard step to really be able to say I made the best decision I could with what I knew at the time. And so many parents I’m talking to are saying, I didn’t even know what to ask. Like, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. And that’s, what’s so frustrating, is it’s very easy to look back in retrospect and. Gosh, I blew it. That specialist was a mistake that caused more trauma. Or, you know, I shouldn’t have tried that method because it totally backfired and what was I thinking? Instead of looking back and saying, you know, at the time with what I knew, that that seemed like the best idea. 

Amy Brown: Right. And I think it’s hard for us to have grace for ourselves. Mm-hmm  like we would have, if you told me that story, I would go, of course you couldn’t have known. But for my own self, I don’t think I would say that.

Kendra: Having grace for ourselves, it’s such an important idea. And it goes contrary to what we’ve been conditioned to believe, that somehow being harder on ourselves makes us stronger. How many of us were trained to treat ourselves like a friend? How many of us were trained to be kind to ourselves? 

Dr. Christopher Willard: I learned recently that that critical voice, you know, that we all have, especially as busy, high achieving people, right. You’re not good enough. Right. That starts around age seven or eight. 

Kendra: It was such a shocker when I heard this from Chris Willard. We start to be hard on ourselves, really, really young. 

Dr. Christopher Willard: That would be a gift to like help our kids not have to you know, develop that voice, or at least not have to believe that voice. I remember when someone was like, yeah, that voice in your head, that’s not necessarily true. It was like mind-blowing. I was like 25 or something, you know. Had I learned that when I was younger, wow. That would’ve been really helpful. 

Kendra: Sometimes that pressure to achieve comes right from inside our own families. So Devon who we met in the first episode goes by @ADHDParent and her logo s,he’s wearing a cape like a superhero with red and blue streaming, you know, cape blowing behind her. But she also knows that you don’t have to be a superhero to be a good parent. And she wishes that she’d known earlier her own mother wasn’t a superhero either. 

Devon: I wish she would have showed me how she’s not a super mom, but she was such a super-galactic mom, like with three kids, you know? Oh, everybody’s in extracurricular activities. She’s not missing a beat. And I’m like, how does she do all that? You know, looking back now, I’m like, she was probably tired as heck. Cause I’m tired with one. I couldn’t imagine doing all that with three kids. But she did all of it with a smile on her face. Like you would’ve, you would have never, you would’ve never known she was tired. 

Kendra: Devon acts a little differently with her own son. 

Devon: I’m big on letting him know, like I’m tired today and mommy needs a break right now.

And you know, we just cannot do that right now. Let’s pick another day. And I feel like as, as parents, we should take back a little bit. So I do not wanna be a super mom, because the pressure of that is just so heavy to navigate. 

Kendra: She does it for herself, but she also does it for him. 

Devon: I’m not gonna do it because I’m not gonna pass that to my child, for him to think oh if I’m not perfect or figuring all this stuff out, I’m gonna suck. Like he’s going to like mistakes happen. Like you can have those qualities, but you know we are not the Avengers.

Ann Douglas: Parents are feeling really shamed and judged about their children’s mental health challenges and their other struggles. I think we need to talk more about how parents feel deeply stigmatized and judged. 

Kendra: Best-selling Canadian author Ann Douglas wrote Parenting Through the Storm, inspired by her experiences with her four children who all struggled. They’ve grown now and she’s become a successful author, speaker and parent coach. And she says sometimes our inner critical voice is fed by unhelpful people around us.

Ann Douglas: I did both, um, Canadian and American editions of Parenting Through the Storm. And I thought, I thought I had sort of seen the depths of parents feeling judged when I wrote the Canadian edition. But when I wrote the American edition, the level of fear was like palpably greater. There were so many people who told me they felt like they almost almost had to go in the witness protection program and change their name and change their child’s name and change any identifying details because they worried that, you know, their child would be permanently stigmatized and maybe unable to get a job if f anybody knew that when they were a teenager, they’d had these earlier struggles. And I mean, we hear the horrible judgey comments all the time. Like the number of times I’ve heard people think or imply that ADHD is a made up thing. And if it was, you know, it’s just a matter of bad parenting and just tell those kids to behave. I roll my eyes every single time. Do you honestly think that’s helpful advice to offer to another human being? I shake my head to this moment.

Kendra: Given the judgment and the absurd advice, I asked her what she wishes now that she could have told her younger self.

Ann Douglas: I wish I’d been kinder to myself, cuz I was so hard on myself and it, and that’s like with every area of expectation, like career-wise and you know, family wise and in terms of my personal health and so on. I mean, I remember looking in the mirror and thinking horrible thoughts that I would not vocalize to my worst enemy. And yet those were the thoughts that were running through my head. So I think. If I could say, be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best that you can in a really difficult situation. And it won’t always be this hard. Something will be different. You will learn new skills. You will have more time. Things will get better and easier because in the moment it felt overwhelming – and it was overwhelming –  But I think if I’d known that things could and, and often do get better and easier, then that would’ve, that would’ve helped me a lot. 

Kendra: Those critical voices, both around us and in our own heads, are part of what has created almost a cult of parental perfectionism. It’s as if we think of parenting as some kind of performance act where we have to know all our lines and hit every mark. And when we don’t the performance falls apart.

Moira Mikolajczak, the expert on parental burnout from UC Louvain in Belgium. She has a lot to say about this idea of parental perfection. 

Moira Mikolajczak: Parental perfectionism is really high in Western countries. We are in a society where we have to be perfect parents to raise perfect children. Uh, at least sometimes we have this, uh, impression. And of course there is no perfect parent because there is no perfect human being. And thus, there is no perfect children. That does not exist. and that would not be healthy. I mean, it, it, it does not exist for a good reason. Um, and by the way, perfect parents are toxic parents because children develop on the weaknesses of their parents. 

Kendra: That bears repeating. That perfect parents, if there were such a thing, would be toxic parents. Our weaknesses and our flaws are not only inevitable, but they’re necessary. 

Moira Mikolajczak: Clearly decreasing one’s parental perfectionism accepting one’s weakness is that’s clearly a key. There are a lot of books, uh, to, to help you to parent, but there is no, um, perfect recipe. There is no school to be a parent, So, parents who accept that they will make mistakes and that these mistakes will not totally ruin their children, because many parents have this idea that, that if they make a mistake, their, their children will be ruined. And that’s obviously not true because we are only one ingredient of our children’s development. But, far from being the, only ingredient for these parents. Accepting one’s own limitations is a good way to accept your children’s limitations, because of course your burden as a parent is much more if you expect something of your child which is beyond reach for that child, either on the intellectual or emotional or, uh, physical level.

Kendra: So in this society that prizes achievement and measures everything against an impossible standard. How do we step back from parental perfectionism, embrace our faults and our false starts and begin to have some grace for ourselves? How do you do that? We’ll begin in a garden.

Kendra: Do you plant vegetables or flowers?

Susan Pollak: Mostly flowers. So, Oh, what, what’s your favorite? Oh, I should actually send you some, some photos. I have two gorgeous cherry trees right now. (Whoa) which are in full bloom. 

Kendra: Perfect. This is Susan Pollak. 

Susan Pollak: Um, pink daffodils. Tulips. Um, it sort of keeps me grounded.No pun intended. 

Kendra: She’s not just a gardener. She’s also a clinical psychologist, meditation practitioner, co-founder of the Center for Mindfulness and Compassion at Harvard Medical School. And author of Self-Compassion for Parents. 

Susan Pollak: The reason I was interested in self-compassion for parents is cuz we’re so hard on ourselves. We beat ourselves up. We’re mean to ourselves. We ruminate. We tell ourselves we’re horrible parents. Um, when the truth is, you know, no one is the worst parent in the world. I’ll have people come to me and say, oh Susan, I’m the worst parent in the world. No one is, we all make mistakes. And how can you repair? How can you recoup? How can learn from those mistakes?

Kendra: The first step towards repair is having some compassion for yourself. 

Susan Pollak: But it’s tricky. Um, self-compassion right now, and maybe that will change in time, has really bad PR.  You know, so when people hear self-compassion, they think, oh my God, you know, that means letting your kid do whatever he or she wants. That means having ice cream and cookies, um, for breakfast, you know, or watching Netflix all day. No, no, it doesn’t mean that. The easiest definition for self-compassion is treating yourself as you would a really good friend. 

Kendra: Remember Ann Douglas saying she had thoughts about herself that she wouldn’t have said to her worst enemy? This is how we put that right. 

Susan Pollak: So just as if you’ve come to me and said, oh, you know, Susan and I, I yelled at my kid and I’m, I’m terrible. I hate myself, whatever. And I just, you know, wanna be swallowed up by the earth. I don’t deserve to parent. Or, you know, whatever really harsh, critical words you use. You know, I wouldn’t say, oh yes, you really are a terrible, terrible mother. You know, you don’t deserve to be here. I would say, look, we all mess up. We all have really bad days. You know, let’s talk about what happened. 

Kendra: One of the easiest ways to begin to practice self-compassion is what Susan calls, micro-dosing. Short, easy steps so that you can get used to being kinder to yourself.

Susan Pollak: What can you do that will get you out of that rabbit hole, where you feel terrible. Or where you feel like all you wanna do is just do what my friends in England call a “duvet crawl” like, you know, just crawl under the covers.

Kendra: And she wants to make these practices realistic. Something that busy parents, overwhelmed parents can actually do.

Susan Pollak: So the practices can be done standing up. When you’re cooking dinner, when you’re breaking up a fight, um, when you know, you’re experiencing what psychologists call murderous rage toward one of your kids, which is actually very common. Because in real life you can’t say to the kids when they’re fighting, oh, excuse me I’m gonna take a time in, and I’m gonna go off to my meditation room and sit quietly. You can’t do that. So let me guide you through what you can do when your kids are fighting. You’re trying to feed them cuz you think part of the problem right now is they’re hungry and once they eat, maybe things will come down. And you’re really at the end of your rope. And you’re thinking, oh my God, why did I ever have kids? 

Kendra: The first step is simple, but powerful. Acknowledge the moment. 

Susan Pollak: One of the things you can say is, whoa, this is tough. This is really hard. 

Kendra: When we say this sucks. This is miserable. This is hard. I think this is tough. Resonates with a lot of moms and dad I talk to.

Susan Pollak: Yeah. So like, or, I mean, if it’s okay if I swear, this shits. Yeah. This, this is like fucking impossible. Yeah. So. We don’t need to sugarcoat anything. Like what, what are you feeling?

Kendra: Next, we need to let go of the instinct to blame ourselves. 

Susan Pollak: Yep. Parenting is hard for everyone. It’s not me. It’s that parenting is really this. Hard. It’s not that I’m defective. It’s not that I’m stupid. It’s not that I’m a terrible parent. Parenting is really this hard. So just knowing that you’re not alone. 

Kendra: Yeah. I like to say like, I’m doing my best. Like, I mean, you’re only one person. It is like saying you’re only human. And so doing your best is all you can give.

Susan Pollak: Exactly. And then what you do is you try to bring some kindness or some warmth to this. And again, find the language that works. Um, so again, the formal self-compassion language is “May I bring some compassion to myself” or, you know, let me bring some compassion to myself. I find for most parents that doesn’t work.

It’s too like sugar coated, icky, gooey. So what I like better is “May try to be kind to myself. This has been a really hard day.” For some people who feel like they don’t deserve the kindness. You know, I just yelled at my kids. I’m a terrible parent. I don’t deserve kindness. Then put it in the future.

“May I aspire to be kind to myself?” And, you know, hopefully in a half hour, when the kids have eaten, this will be ancient history. This will be in the rear view mirror. That is the practice in a nutshell. And it’s basically acknowledging that it’s difficult, not sugarcoating it. Acknowledging that this is what parenting is like for just avout everyone. Rather than responding with criticism and beating yourself up. Can you just say, okay, you’re doing the best you can? 

Kendra: Remember when we talked to Amelia Nagosski and she said that one way to complete this stress cycle is through physical touch? Susan confirms this. Physical touch is a really important aspect of self-compassion. Soothing touch lets your body know it’s safe. 

Susan Pollak: So many people who are alone are craving, you know, physical, human touch. But the research is that the brain does not differentiate between, for example, you giving me a hug – not that we can, you know, do this across the zoom screen or whatever – or me giving me a hug. Okay. So, um, one of the things we like to do in terms of teaching self-compassion is give various examples of soothing or comforting or supportive touch. You may wanna give yourself a hug. You may just wanna, depending on where you’re holding attention, a lot of us are clenching our jaws, grinding our teeth. You know, a lot of us our stiff, upper lip gotta, keep it together. You know? So just experiment. Put your hands on your jaw, bringing warmth to your jaw. Maybe taking a breath or two, maybe putting your hands on your neck. Just notice where you begin to relax. A lot of people like a hand on the heart, hand on the belly, you know, just see what that feels like. And just pause as you do it. Just sort of letting yourself drop, maybe even stroking your arm, or maybe rocking back and forth. Just finding what kind of movement can be soothing. 

Kendra: Yeah, I think that’s so interesting. Cause when I first read about putting your hand on your heart, I thought it, I don’t know, it sounded a little creepy I don’t know why. (Exactly.) And, when you hear, wait a minute, that actually activates oxytocin, or does something else to, you know, activate some soothing chemicals to make my nervous system feel settled. Cool. I’m doing it! 

Susan Pollak: Just so you know, you’re not alone. Most people go, Ooh. You know, that gives me the, you know, Ooh, yucky. And in fact, so I, I think what we’re finding, especially for men is, you know, it’s not a good fit and it feels way too touchy-feely. So you don’t need to do it, but if you can do it, it’s actually helpful. If you can get over how weird it is. We’re not used to touching ourselves and it’s like, Ooh, that’s kind of autoerotic. What are you asking me to do Susan?  Stay with me. The research bears it out. And the research bears out that it’s okay to be kind to yourself. Cuz so many of us were raised, you know, spare the rod, spoil the child, you know, pull yourself up by the bootstraps. You know, you have to yell at yourself, you can’t be kind to yourself, you know, otherwise we’re gonna raise a generation of wimps. So that is the misunderstanding. When actually, again, the research shows that if we’re kind to ourselves, we’re actually more motivated than less motivated. 

Kendra: So in order to use this self-compassion practice, we need to take the time to tune into our bodies and notice what they’re telling us. If your face is turning red and getting hot, and you’re getting angry, that is the moment that, you know it’s time to be a little gentler. Getting to the end of your rope, getting burnt out. These are all things that we can catch if we’re paying attention to what our bodies are telling.

Susan Pollak: This is a great way to end. Um, here I have a, I’m looking for a flower. Okay. I have some flowers here. So what the Zen masters say, um, is you want, I’m gonna pull out some flowers. What you wanna do is catch it when it’s budding. But if you wait until it’s in full bloom, then you’ve already had your meltdown. You’ve already hit the ceiling. You’ve already yelled at the kids. Where if you notice in your body, uh, I’m getting angry. And you catch it when it’s budding, then you can do one of these micro doses and say, All right, let me try, you know, some self-compassion break or self-compassion for my body or, you know, one breath and see if I can come back in balance. And try to catch it when it’s budding. And to catch it when it’s budding means that you need to be paying attention.

Kendra: I love that advice. Catch the bloom when it’s budding. As we’ve heard from everyone this episode, just be a little kinder to yourself.

Next time on A Little Easier, we’ll hear the remarkable story of author and dad Mantu Joshi, and learn about his definition of the Resilient Parent. That’s the title of his book. 

Mantu Joshi: After a couple of months, I started to realize that I was writing for myself, but I was also writing for other parents. Um, and it sounds cheesy, but it was just an act of love.

Kendra: Mantu’s journey to becoming a writer and an adaptable parent in our next episode called Be a Penguin. But first your micro-action moment. This time from me. I wanna tell you about how I managed to tame my inner critic. When I first started learning about self-compassion and the science behind all of its benefits, I was intrigued. I was kind of skeptical though. So I decided to just start noticing what that little voice in my head was saying.

And I have to say, I was horrified by how harsh it actually was. It was saying things like, “Ugh, why didn’t you speak up in that meeting? What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you be a more playful, fun parent? Why aren’t your kids signed up for all those activities? When are you ever going to get that project done? Why aren’t you further on in your career? Why can’t you manage to have a home cooked, sit down dinner with the whole family every night, like the neighbors do? Oh, wow, those jeans are tight.” I mean, it was bad. So I decided to name my inner critic, Ardnek, which is my name spelled backwards. And Ardnek gave me this instant mindfulness.

It was like a great way to create some space, some distance between myself and that unhelpful inner critic. And having that space, that awareness gave me the opportunity to soften what she was saying. So over time I got better and better at being my own inner ally and it made a huge difference. I felt a lot less stressed and more energized. And a lot more patient and appreciative of my kids.

I’m Kendra Wilde and this has been A Little Easier. The show that was created to help you find more joy and resilience when parenting is extra challenging. Thank you so much for being here. Make sure you’re subscribed to A Little Easier in your podcast app so you don’t miss an episode. And while you’re there, please take a moment to rate and review the podcast, share it with family and friends.

We’re an independent show focused on elevating parents because you’re the most important force behind your child’s wellbeing. Visit alittleeasier.org for show notes and discussion questions. Plus resources on parental burnout and resilience building. A Little Easier is written by Harriet Jones and co-produced by Harriet and Rae Kantrowitz, sound design and original music by Rae. This podcast is brought to you by Wild Peace for Parents and me, Kendra Wilde.